On baking pies and facing changes

The sun is not even out yet, I thought to myself as settled into tree pose. It was the 6:30am class, 20 people in the room, focusing, concentrating, meditating. 

For awhile now, there's been something bubbling under my belly.  This subtle feeling of restlessness, unease.  I've been watching the symptoms get stronger and stronger. 

I needed a change.

In response, I baked a pie.  Shopped.  Cut my hair.  Threw out old clothes.  Re-organized.  Took a 6:30am class.  All things one does to appease that distinct feeling of needing change.  Because anything else might just be too painful or scary or...difficult.

The sun finally came out as the class finished.  I laid on my sweat-soaked towel, catching my breath as if I had been running for miles and miles.  That bubbling feeling I've been trying to calm down has got me exhausted, breathless. 

As I slowly picked myself off the mat, I finally surrendered.  I have been running for miles and miles.  All the way to the waters of the Pacific and the California sunshine.  To the comfort of my fellow trainees, many running the same circles as I have been. 

But now we are on our own paths, and I'm back to where I started.  I no longer have the luxury of the ocean and the courage of my yogi friends.  I returned so I can make the changes I need to get to where I want to be.  To stop running and take the leap because I do not have much hair left to cut or pies to bake.

And because there are grand things out there waiting for me.